The essay
below sprang from a Facebook post I made wishing my friends a Happy Winter Solstice
and Joyous Yule. I planned it a few days in advance and spent more time than I
expected finding just the right image and message. I realized once again, I was
searching for faith.
I have been seeking - seeking somewhere, something to put
my faith in, for decades now. When I was
a child, I dismissed Christianity. It could be because we lived in the Mid-East
for two years. From the age of 5, I knew there was more than one way to
believe. I didn't question this. In fact, I didn't think about it much at
all.
When we
returned to the States, I attended Sunday school sporadically. One morning at a
small chapel at Ft. Ord, the Sunday school lesson was about hypocrites. I
couldn't have been more than 9 or 10, my beliefs still not fully formed. What I
took away from that lesson was not to act like you believe if you don't. And I
knew I didn’t believe. I discussed this with no one. I was not a questioning
child and I kept my own counsel, even then.
Throughout the
rest of childhood, I went to church now and then. At the last place I moved
with my family when I was a junior in high school, I went to youth group purely
for social reasons. I stuck out like a sore thumb in that town but I craved
acceptance nonetheless. I watched what I said at school until I realized I was
also monitoring what I thought. I still wanted to be
accepted, but from that moment, I went my own way. I didn't think much more
about faith or religion until college.
The most "shocking" thing I learned
my first year in college was communion
wine in some denominations is not grape juice. It actually is wine! In an anthropology class much later, I
learned of Weber's belief that he had an "unmusicality" with
religion. I latched on to that phrase and have carried it with me all the years
since, believing I, too, am tone deaf to faith and religion. But I envied (and
still envy) those who have faith and believe in a power higher than themselves,
whether it is a monotheistic Goddess or God, a pantheon, or the spirit and
essence of nature.
In my early
20s, I researched Wicca by reading a few books.
I did some rituals for a short time.
I didn't do them long enough for it to become a habit and I don't
remember talking to much of anyone about it. A few years later, I discovered
Unitarianism. That's the closest I've to
faith, though for a little while in 2008-2009, I flirted with Christianity .
That was
largely a function of where I worked at the time, a faith-based organization. I
was surrounded by people of faith, many of whom were conservative. I sensed a
power there, and a surrender to something other than self. It would have
completely altered my belief system and politics.
I became a
member of a local Unitarian congregation when I moved to Rockford. Even though
I only planned to live there for a few years, I felt the need to put down roots
to establish relationships. It didn't work out as I intended. I slowly drifted away,
first because of illness, and eventually because the groups I tried to be part
of fell apart for whatever reason. My regular attendance ceased in 2011.
The roots I put
down were shallow. Part of the blame lays squarely on my shoulders. After
services, I did not stick around for coffee hour. I felt especially awkward at
the time and abhor small talk, so I usually fled straight from the sanctuary to
my car. Besides, once people find out I don’t have kids, pets, or a favorite
team, they're often at a loss for conversation with me. On my side, I can be tongue-tied.
It's improved over the last several years but there are still moments I can't
think of a single thing to say.
Nearing 50, I
still seek something to believe in and a community to belong to with that
belief. Maybe I am tone-deaf to religion like Weber. Maybe I am faithless.
Maybe I don't need any more faith than what I already carry. Yet I keep coming
back to this search for the spiritual, something higher, more elemental than
the woman that I am. Maybe if I knew what I was looking for, I would have found
it by now.
Faith is a very
personal thing. This is why I haven't discussed it openly before now. It has not been for lack of people
to ask. Since I was a teen, I have had
access to people of faith, whether pagan or Judaeo-Christian or something else.
Some have been classmates, casual friends, co-workers, or friends on social
media. Others have been close friends or more, the very people I could be
vulnerable enough to ask.
But I have
never liked to pry. Yet I keep coming back to this question of faith. I poke
around the trailhead but can't a path. I love research, but there is
only so much you can learn from it. I need to stop googling and reading. I need to ask real
people.
Will you share
your story (or a piece of it) with me? What led you to what you believe in? I
genuinely want to know. It may help me
find my own path.
