On the last day of school that year, I received a note from another boy, Brian. It was in English class, and our desks were arranged in a circle. I remember seeing the note passed from one kid to another. When it reached me, I was surprised to see it had my name on it.
I opened it. “Jennifer, will you go out with me?” it read. I glared in Brian’s general direction. I wrote my reply, “I think you have the wrong Jennifer.” There were at least two other Jennifers in the room. Surely it reached the wrong one. I sent it back. It came back. He had the right Jennifer. I thought he was being mean. There was no way he could be serious. I looked right at him, tore up the note, and crushed it under my heel. I never saw him again. Four years later, it dawned on me he actually was asking me out on purpose. Sorry, Brian.
I moved that summer and soon met James, my first boyfriend. Probably the only reason I thought he was serious is because several friends I trusted told me he was…and I had a crush on him, too. We were at the mall on a busy Saturday. He pulled me into a corridor. I knew where this was going. I thought I was ready. We were pressed against a wall, his lips coming toward me, and oh no! Probably his tongue, too. I ducked. He never tried to kiss me again.
Three years later, it is the tail end of my freshman year of college. I have had a mad, mad crush on Scott since the moment I laid eyes on him in the fall. He has also had a mad, mad crush on me for several months.
Our friends were not oblivious to any of this. But we were. They went home for Memorial Day weekend. Scott and I decided to go out for dinner together. This is not a date. We will not admit or see that it is. After an awkward dinner devoid of conversation, we sat under a tree, picking green aphids out of each other’s hair.
Two years later, Scott and I were not together. We are taking a break. I am a mess. How will I live without him? I am strong. I don’t need him. I cry. I write. I study more. I write some more. I am woman, hear me roar! How will I live without him?
This is how: I discovered a computer bulletin board system. I spent hours online talking to people I would never meet in person. But there’s one person I joke with more than anyone else and pour my heart out to. I learn to flirt because of him. Eventually, we tell each other our real names. We email and send a real letter or two. We have a fling online. That fizzles. We remain friends.
A few months later, we start talking, on the phone in the middle of the night, for hours and hours. I do most of the talking. He listens. I am preoccupied with my final semester and oblivious as ever. Still, the desire to meet in person is strong. We do meet in person, but not before Scott tells me how much he misses me. I have to make a choice. I don’t know who to choose and am bad at risk-taking. So when I finally meet my online friend, I threw on more ice queen armor than I ever have before or since…for an entire weekend. To ensure it lasts, I avoid eye contact. But somehow, we remained friends. He still tracks me down every so often. And I appreciate it.
Years pass. Now it’s 2002. I am at a friend’s house for a costume fitting. I am prancing around in leggings and a t-shirt, almost oblivious as usual. There’s a guy there I suspect is going ask me out at some point. A few weeks later, he does. That’s the one I marry.
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